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Leaders and Bystanders
By: Patrick Maguire
Book Chapter: Human-to-Human Service
Posted: 05/11/2010
I’ve had several conversations and exchanged emails with many people in response to my latest post about the homeless good Samaritan who died of bystander apathy. Thank you to everyone who contacted me. We have a serious problem in our culture, and I’m not going to let this issue die.
One of the conversations I had was with a friend and teacher of more than 35 years who told me that courses geared towards teaching life lessons are rare. I asked him, Aren’t learning leadership, speaking up, getting involved and doing the right thing more important than the Pythagorean theorem? When was the last time you used the Pythagorean theorem? Isn’t learning civility or saving a life more important?
A sales manager who was part of the discussion chimed in, I have new sales people who don’t even know how to shake hands and introduce themselves to clients, never mind carry on a meaningful conversation.
“Dr. Hank” responded to my last post with the following comment:
As a father of ten, my dad acted when needed. No hesitation. He’d ‘do the right thing’ (Spike Lee), even when it looked awkward or un-cool to others when he spoke up to defend someone or to correct an injustice. It takes a sense of community and “brother’s keeper” thinking. Assessing a situation and formulating an immediate, appropriate response are learned behaviors. Families must teach their children to be good citizens as demonstrated by thoughtful action.
Teachers, civic leaders, etc., need to have young people role-play scenarios. This strategy provides some familiarity and comfort for the bystander to take action, and wires neurological pathways that fire from the brain and call for response when stimulated – demanding action when a wrong needs to be righted.
Of course there’s a fine line between what children should be learning at home or in school. A major part of the problem is that many children are not learning valuable lessons at home about morals, character, leadership, awareness and empathy because their parents, relatives and siblings are poor role models.
On March 3, 2009, ABC News, Primetime: What Would You Do? ran a program in which 88 people walked right by a man who looked like a street person sprawled out, lifeless, on his back, in the middle of the sidewalk. Twenty-six more people walked by the same man and ignored the pleas of a homeless woman asking them to help the man or to call an ambulance. If 114 adults walked by a lifeless body on a sidewalk without getting involved, what do you think those same adults are modeling in terms of values, empathy and leadership for their children at home? Adults and students alike need to rehearse and train in order to be prepared to do the right thing.
Kim M., another reader of this blog commented after watching a video linked to the last post: The psychologist (Michael Bradley) in the video said some pretty poignant things. Parents must teach their kids empathy and participation should be modeled. “You have to be what you want to see,” is what he said. A sound bite, but a good one.
Shortly after I published the last post, I happened upon a program called, About Health TV, hosted by Jeanne Blake. Jeanne was interviewing Gene Beresin, MD, about the bullying issue and the bystander effect. Beresin stated that very few schools provide effective programs for teaching interpersonal skills to children. Dr. Beresin is the Director of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Residency Training at Massachusetts General Hospital and McLean Hospital. He is also a Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.
I contacted Dr. Beresin and asked him to elaborate on the notion of including interpersonal skills training in the curriculum:
In school, younger children and adolescents have curricula in core academic areas which are geared toward passing standardized examinations and preparing for college. However, success in life – in the workplace and in relationships – often has far less to do with academic achievement than with social interactions. While formal education is important for knowledge, skills and problem solving, virtually nowhere are kids taught interpersonal skills and communication. We don’t teach conflict resolution in schools. In my view, it’s probably one of the most important skills that individuals can learn from childhood to adulthood, and it’s not being addressed. Children should learn how you stand up for your own rights, and what words you use when there is a conflict. Most individuals lose their jobs not because of lack of knowledge, but because of interpersonal conflict; moreover, with such a high divorce rate, it seems adults (and their children) require training in getting along with others.
A few schools around the country focus on teaching our kids about conflict resolution in Kindergarten through 12th grade. Such curricula involve education and training in self-awareness, empathy, and ways of communicating with peers and authorities. Kids need to learn how to deal with emotions that arise in the context of everyday life – how to manage feelings of jealousy, competition, rejection, betrayal, anger and sadness. They need to appreciate the consequences of their words and actions, and realize that they can have powerful positive, as well as negative, impact on others. Kids should be taught how they can serve as loyal friends, resist peer pressure that may harm themselves or others, and stand up for what they believe in. While much of this is ideally learned at home, it is also crucial for our schools to teach these important lessons. Parents, too, should learn how to understand and resolve conflict peacefully and graciously; it’s as important as learning the “three Rs.”
My brother, Paul Maguire, PhD, wrote a book called, Celebrating Human Diversity: Health, Development and Learning (2000 UAAPress), in which he discusses healthy human relations using his own “three R’s,” Recognition, Respect and Relating.
I asked Paul to comment:
There are curricula that address interpersonal skill development. The problem is that most schools minimize the importance of the lessons and the required follow-up. The Montana Model of Comprehensive School Health Enhancement (CSHE) addresses Interpersonal Health as one of about ten health concepts. They are broken up into developmentally appropriate content and lessons (K-12). Very few states give this topic the attention and weight needed to change behavior or, minimally, enhance awareness.
There are significant parallels to be drawn between the people who are indifferent to bullying and the people who stand by when fellow human beings need help.
Neil Swidey researched bullying and bystanders in a recent Boston Globe Magazine article, The Secret to Stopping a Bully? The sub-title reads; After decades of research, no one has yet found a way to reduce bullying in US schools. But in the shadows, you just might find the solution. Mr. Swidey asks, Could anti-bullying programs be more successful if they dropped their primary focus on bullies and victims and instead took aim directly at the sidekicks and other key members of the bully’s posse? After all, if a supportive audience is what fuels the bully, wouldn’t the sidekicks be the most logical place to try to choke off that oxygen supply?
There’s been lots of talk lately about anti-bullying programs. How could there not be, after all the horrifying details that emerged following the suicide of South Hadley teenager Phoebe Prince. And there will be lots more talk now that the Massachusetts legislature has approved a bullying bill requiring schools to implement prevention and intervention programs. The available programs vary widely, as do the people behind them, who range from self-promoting, self-proclaimed experts, offering little more than buzzwords, bromides, and books for sale, to thoughtful, committed educators determined to do the hard work to protect other kids like Phoebe. But here’s what has gotten lost amid all the legislation and finger-pointing: None of the current anti-bullying programs, despite their fanfare, have been successful in reducing actual bullying among American students in any meaningful way.
We’re very good at identifying, labeling and quantifying problems, but we lack effective strategies for solving them. A lot of adults aren’t modeling intervention and empathy and many children aren’t learning awareness and leadership skills. With training and practice we can bridge the gap between knowing what’s right and wrong, and actually doing the right thing when the opportunity presents itself.
NS: So we need to think a lot more creatively and rigorously about how to combat bullying. One strategy gaining a good deal of traction involves bystander training. The thinking is that we can reduce bullying by encouraging uninvolved students to step in to protest when they see it happening.
One promising initiative discussed in Swidey’s article was launched by Steven Tower, the Youth Sports Health Coordinator at Massachusetts General Hospital. Steven is part of a pilot, anti-bullying curriculum launched this year in Charlestown, MA. The program involves dividing the students into four groups, handing them a photo of an 11-year-old boy, and asking them to write down as many things that they observe and imagine about the boy in the photo.
NS: Knowing a fast pace is the way to keep the attention of 11-year-olds, Tower quickly shifts to a discussion about how leadership means making smart choices…Just by their sheer numbers, he says, the bystanders hold the key to stopping bullying, if they do the right thing…
The program includes interactive role-playing where students must think about how and why they would respond to hypothetical scenarios involving verbal, physical or cyber bullying.
NS: As the minutes wind down, Tower tells the students, “Remember that picture I gave you in the beginning?” He holds up the photo of the 11-year-old boy in the football uniform and begins rattling off the many descriptions of him that the kids had come up with. “He likes pizza, dogs, loves birds,…he loves outdoors, he’s strong…, he’s a cool kid.” “All of these things are very true. This is Carl Walker-Hoover. He’s actually from Springfield, Mass. He’s a great kid.”
Then Tower holds up a different photo, one that causes several of the fifth-graders to gasp. “This is him.” The photo shows a silver casket.
“He’s dead?” one of the boys asks.
“Yes.”
“How’d he die?” asks a girl.
“He was bullied,” Towers says, explaining that some boys accused Carl of being gay, even though he wasn’t, and then mercilessly taunted him. “And no one, no one, did anything. There were no leaders in that bystander group. And because no one did anything, this great kid hung himself.”
More gasps. “All of you are bystanders,” he says, “All of you can be leaders.”
I had a nice talk with Steven Tower last week, and I’ll be attending one of his programs in the near future. According to Steven, his program is based on a model developed by Ronald G. Slaby, PhD, a distinguished developmental psychologist.
I asked Steven: What is the most important lesson you hope children will learn from your program on bullying?
I would like them to recognize the consequences and importance of their actions, words and reactions…. If they can see that what they do has a direct effect on other kids’ lives, then we can build from there. It’s an awareness of the problem coupled with a responsibility to do something, either passive or aggressive, that I hope they learn after the initial training.
Steven noted that these programs require diligent follow-up to be successful. Parents, teachers, administrators, and everyone involved in students’ lives need to support these initiatives to make them effective. Stepping up and getting involved are learned behaviors that can save lives. Responsibility, Empathy, Awareness and Leadership might not boost SAT scores, but they sure are vital in the REAL world.
June 15, 2010 update: Please read the article in the Boston Globe by Kevin Cullen; Tough act too hollow, about the new bullying law in Massachusetts. Great insight into how the legislative leaders dropped the ball, again.
8 Responses to “Leaders and Bystanders”
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Permalink | Posted in Human-to-Human Service | 8 Comments »
This is so important and needs to be addressed now. I was at a sock hop several weeks ago where five fifth grade boys approached a 4th grade boy. As a mother of five, with 24 years of parenting under my belt, I could smell trouble. The fourth grader had come with us and was my responsibility, so I approached the group and was a few feet away when my little guy was shoved in the chest. Yes, he had that heartbreaking startled look on his face, why me? As another 5th grader got into place to give him a shove I stepped myself in between the two boys and my double D’s got the brunt of the mischief. Now it was the 5th graders turn to look startled. I simply and calmly stated, “I will not tolerate that. None of that, do you understand?” His faced burned red, but his companions were not so ready to give up the bullying. They walk away and sure as the morning dawns and the sun sets, they came around for another round a little while later. This time I was right behind them and before any contact was made, escorted the whole group to the lobby where we could clarify if there was some kind of conflict. How innocent this group of little children was, at the grade schools very first sock hop. The idea of being “gangsta” was something they picked up, and had no clue how inappropriate it was at a social function. After my little speech about keeping hands off others, choosing to have a wonderful time instead of hurting people, (why would you choose hurt??) and finally, being a country at war, where people just 7 years older than them were fighting to protect our safety, how Shameful, it was that they would intentionally cause any kind of trouble, just shameful, they all seemed to get the point. A few minutes later I watched as they approached the group of 4th graders and said they were sorry. Then, free to have fun, they appeared to enjoy the rest of the evening. Being there, a strong loving mother, supervision, correction, presentation of a better idea, a little guilt for the hardcore that needed convincing, and the knowledge that someone in the room cared about all of them. About 14 children learned that respect does matter in that small space of time. It doesn’t take much to influence better thinking so I hope everyone will do their part.
Patrick, your blog articles are always thought provoking and possess a ringing poignant appeal. Your posts have become part of my required reading and “I read a great deal”. The research you have documented is mind blowing, reflective of how closely this issue resides within you and should reside within us all. You ping all of the required behaviors with the exception of one…ethics! It may or may not fit. I leave you to be the judge of that. I feel strongly that it does. Because ethics are the rule of conduct recognized in respect to particular human actions or groups and cultures. It is a moral principle. Our moral compass.
Excerpts from an article: Manage Like Your Hair is On Fire, ”
“There is a marvelous teacher by the name of Rafe Esquith, who for decades has been teaching groups of 30 or so children of Latin American and Korean immigrants each year in room 56 at Los Angeles’ Hobart Boulevard Elementary School. He’s earned dozens of accolades, including an Order of the British Empire.”
“Esquith doesn’t teach ethics for its own sake. Actually he doesn’t teach ethics at all. Rather he leads his 10-year old students through a mental journey in which they see the value of moral behavior so that they will take responsibility for their own education. That makes his job a whole lot easier.”
“His consistent success, year after year, in turning out well-behaved, thoughtful, considerate individuals who are ready to learn makes one pause. How does his approach stack up to the incentives prevailing in business schools? How do they stack up to the way companies treat their (presumably more mature) employees. Perhaps what works for fifth graders could work for the rest of us.”
“Either you’re an ethical person or you’re not. Is that true? Is it too late to become good if you’re older than 10?”
Thank you for constantly teaching me more! Never stop! I’m all ears! I sincerely appreciate the opportunity in being allowed to express my opinion. Your articles are “the essentials”.
Hopefully, your principles and views will help us all to be more reflective and take action when the call to arms is upon us.
Penelope
Very thought-provoking article….I too believe the bystander needs to be the focus on reducing bullying. 9 times out of 10 bullying will cease when a bystander speaks up and, steals the thunder, so to speak from the bully. Resilience training for victims after the fact is not the answer! The victim may develope coping skills to move on, but we are still left with a bully and many more prospective victims to choose from. Social awareness needs to be lifted and the stigma that this is just a school yard problem needs to be removed! Here in Australia, many workplace suicides have been attributed to bullying and torment. Whilst this is very hard to prove, as outside factors may have been involved, the families of these victims know the truth and live with that pain. World-wide this epidemic needs to be addressed with the utmost urgency. If you are not prt of the solution, you are part of the problem!
It is vitally important that bystanders speak out and help the victims and stop bullying because if no one speaks out then bullys will start to turn on more people and it disgusts me that every year thousands of kids/teens take their own lives because of bullying we need to stop bullying now.
With the increasing number of bullies and gangs in our schools, I’m seriously thinking of home-schooling my daughters. When they are old enough, I will be enrolling them in self-defence classes so they can protect themselves and other kids from the bullies.
Sometimes the best option for bystanders is to physically intervene(if possible) when needed.
In the 1960s-’70s, I was the brunt of a bunch of bullies, between Jr. High and High School. The scars lasted for years. Thank God for a superb counselor (years later, by the way) or I’d have killed myself, too.
It’s thrilling for me to see that people are becoming far more proactive against this phenomenon than when I was in school.
Sadly, parents these days seem to me to be less receptive to criticism of their (equally-entitled) kids than ever before; so the opponents of bullying and similar behaviors have a new row to hoe.
Maybe when I’m much older, these children of “I-Me-Mine” parents will revolt against this nouveau pathway of self-importance. Thankfully, some of the college kids I meet are already questioning their parents’ teachings that they must get “everything first,” at the expense of others’ needs and convenience.
I am a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Consultant with twenty-six years counseling children and families. I know alot about the personal lives of children who bully, children who are bullied and children who observe bullying and do nothing to try to help.
I also write educational materials and conduct workshops for teachers & give community presentations on conflict resolution and bullying prevention.
I have written bullying prevention curricula for schools. Early childhood and middle school. My latest book, Empowering Children to Help Stop Bullying at School: A curriculum for grades three and up was published September, 2009 by Character Development Group Inc.
This resource is good for families too. It provides information for children and adults on what bullying is all about and provides activities to help children learn how to respectfully & calmly stick up for themselves and others. True life stories written by Boston Public School students show specific examples of how elementary & middle school students have done just that.
It is my intention that these stories will help inspire children to be part of the solution instead of part of the problem.
You can learn more about this guide @ http://www.carolwintle.com
Carol Wintle
Please take a moment to read this great piece by David Brooks in the NYT. I devoted a blog post to The Bystander Effect, and it will be discussed in the book. Too many people talk a big game, but turn away during moments of truth. If you’ve ever watched an episode of John Quiñones’ TV show, “Primetime: What Would You Do?” you know what I’m talking about.
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/15/opinion/brooks-lets-all-feel-superior.html